Sick

Sigh... after doing guard duty last night, i've fallen sick again... A lot of things were running through my head today... Why do people who should be happy feel sad? Myself included... Sometimes, I just want to enjoy myself, let myself feel free... Be a useless bum, drink if I wanted to, play if I wanted to... Yet, I can't change myself so easily... So many years of playing the big brother, the trustworthy friend, the dutiful son... It's become a second skin... Haigh, actually now that I think of it, I think it's jus the flu fooling around with my body's chemistry... Gargh, will post again when I'm well. Man, I feel miserable...

Don't know what to feel

This is my first day, the first for months, I completely let my guard down. I rest awhile, just feeling tired. So I do what I haven't for months. I sit in front of a TV and just watch a show. I stopped doing that years ago, when i found music and books to occupy my time. But I just couldn't this night, so I sat and just absorbed the sights and sounds. An hour of 'Ray' and I feel absorbed into my own life. I start to do what I hate to do, yet is an intrinsic pasrt of me. I examine and analyze everything I know, everything I see. As the show progresses I see more, the more I don't want to anymore, yet I can't stop. In the second hour, like a movie parallel with life, my Father walks in. He starts playing a drum to the music from the show, a metaphor for how he's been. Always there, always essential, yet, just never really there. Then like the deja vu that emerges from my nightmare, my mom steps in. With 2 sentences, the climax I sense all night, crashes down. An inadvertent move on my part, showing I can't hear what she says, the music is too loud. My bewilderment as the door crashes, my Dad jumps out and starts swearing at her in confusion. I stand there, and I don't know what to do....

Don't know what to feel...Can someone explain to me why I feel sometimes... Like everything I do is wrong? That somehow I can do no right?... I hate this feeling, but I feel useless everyday...

(BTW, this account may sound like a lit. text, but that's just my nature whenever my thoughts are disjointed and I feel just... empty inside...)

I'm sure jaes can beat me flat