Theory of accessibility

When you are free, no one else is, and when you have a tightly packed schedule, everyone wants to go out with you... If this happens another 2 more times I may have to ascribe this to the tenets of Murphy's law. The laws of the sad but true... It's kind of weird, i'm free 4 nights a week, and yet, 4 to 5 different people invite me out on the one night i'm unable to avail myself...

Currently nothing else to say, busy figuring out the chords to kotaro oshio's TSUBASA~you are the Hero, my fav song of the month... Super difficult and complicated but i'm addicted to it... Haha, God bless everyone yeah.

Sick

Sigh... after doing guard duty last night, i've fallen sick again... A lot of things were running through my head today... Why do people who should be happy feel sad? Myself included... Sometimes, I just want to enjoy myself, let myself feel free... Be a useless bum, drink if I wanted to, play if I wanted to... Yet, I can't change myself so easily... So many years of playing the big brother, the trustworthy friend, the dutiful son... It's become a second skin... Haigh, actually now that I think of it, I think it's jus the flu fooling around with my body's chemistry... Gargh, will post again when I'm well. Man, I feel miserable...

Don't know what to feel

This is my first day, the first for months, I completely let my guard down. I rest awhile, just feeling tired. So I do what I haven't for months. I sit in front of a TV and just watch a show. I stopped doing that years ago, when i found music and books to occupy my time. But I just couldn't this night, so I sat and just absorbed the sights and sounds. An hour of 'Ray' and I feel absorbed into my own life. I start to do what I hate to do, yet is an intrinsic pasrt of me. I examine and analyze everything I know, everything I see. As the show progresses I see more, the more I don't want to anymore, yet I can't stop. In the second hour, like a movie parallel with life, my Father walks in. He starts playing a drum to the music from the show, a metaphor for how he's been. Always there, always essential, yet, just never really there. Then like the deja vu that emerges from my nightmare, my mom steps in. With 2 sentences, the climax I sense all night, crashes down. An inadvertent move on my part, showing I can't hear what she says, the music is too loud. My bewilderment as the door crashes, my Dad jumps out and starts swearing at her in confusion. I stand there, and I don't know what to do....

Don't know what to feel...Can someone explain to me why I feel sometimes... Like everything I do is wrong? That somehow I can do no right?... I hate this feeling, but I feel useless everyday...

(BTW, this account may sound like a lit. text, but that's just my nature whenever my thoughts are disjointed and I feel just... empty inside...)