Still Sick

I originally wanted to post about realising my own growth as a person. where i once was a many faceted person, showing different side to different ppl. I realise there was no need, and decided to become a rounded out personality. However, I haven't progressed very much on that thot due to my illness. I've lost my voice again. It's a very difficult fight against depression, but God is a powerful ally. Yet, not very much I can do to alleviate my position. I'm not as depressed as i once was, but I can't say I'm truly happy right now either. Maybe as a guy this may sound bad, but I honestly need to talk and be out with a girl. I don't know why either, it's just more peaceful and inward looking when i'm talking with them. I don't mind being with my male friends almost all the time. I just, don't know either, but it can be kind of lonely in a grp of guys talking abt things like basketball and dotA, when i'm thinking about stuff like philosophy, psychology and stuff. I guess i'm just confused and not thinking str8 in m illness. Anyway till the next update. A very tired and struggling mute. Sayonara

Sick

I've been rather ill for the past one month or so. I believe it might be psychological in nature. Just really tired of a lot of things, and I managed to jus hide it better before. It's so hard being a nice guy, especially when life gives you shit. I'm so tempted sometimes to just be like I was in Maris Stella, to be the gangster ruled by emotion and force. Sigh, people tell me to take pride in who I am. Who I am? I am not sure I even know. Is it the person you see everyday? The person I believe myself to be? Or the person I am when I'm tired enough to drop my defenses? When I drop my defenses I'm at my best and my worst at the same time. I've seen myself when I am exhausted. I become very good at physical skill. When I'm tired I lose reason and restraints on myself, best example would be when I played ball with my best friend once. Managed to shoot 7 3-pointers in a game of race to 50. Yet I also lose my temper easily. I ven get a kick out of losing my temper. When I am normal, I close what I used to be. Well, all I can say now, is, as sick as I am, I don't know if i should bother using my energy in control, or in just living life. I'm tired of being a good helpful Christian all the time. Tired of being someone who is always there yet no one notices except when needed. Tired of having what I say fly past peoples heads until they feel they need it. Tired of army, of studying, of computer games, ball games, books, of being a floor mat, a fat guy, a name on a screen, a chauffeur, of just being a fly on the wall. Where has the boy I used to be gone? The one who played soccer regularly, studied little cos everything was just so simple, the one who at 8 years old, thought about death while in the toilet, deciding to leave a mark on earth, not be an anonymous tomb, the one who was thin, cute, musical, brilliant, ambitious and energetic? He grew up? I think he disappeared somewhere... And I'm someone very differrent who shines very much less.

I need someone to talk to...

I'm starting to feel underappreciated again. I don't what it is with me. I like to help people out. I'd stick my neck for others, yet, I don't feel like they know/want what I've done. Is it because what I've done, really is of no consequence to them? I have no idea... I'm just really tired of so many things. Ignorance really is bliss... Why'd I have to become smart enough to think of others? Being selfish was so much easier... I don't who to talk abt this with... Sadly enough.