Can't think of a title...

It's been a while since I last posted I realize...

Has anything changed? Well, yes and no. It's hard to articulate the many things that are going through my mind right now. I've been back in Singapore for two months now, and it seems far too short. I'll be leaving for canada in another 4 weeks, and I can feel a deep seated fear within me. The thing that has changed is that I no longer allow it to paralyze me, but other than that, nothing has really changed I guess. I have just found strength in God to carry on.

I realize that the sentences seem rather disjointed at this point, but I'm honestly not bothering to order my thoughts right now. In the same way that all roads lead to Rome, all my neural pathways seem to point me in a direction I don't really want to go.

How can someone who cares for everyone survive?
The burden he puts upon himself,
Is meant for God alone.
He can't not care, he can't be unkind,
Yet somedays it seems, he can't do anything right.

The harder he tries, the harder he falls,
His plane never takes off, it simply stalls,
Why then does he try so hard?
Why does he seem like a tub of lard?

He learns a way to soothe most people,
Yet it angers some other people.
He finds a way to smooth the way,
And gets laughed at, from sunset to day.

What way is right?
What way is wrong?
To say a few words,
or to sing a song?

What way is left?
What way is right?
To find happiness by God,
Or to find it by might?

He tries so hard, like the little ant worker,
Losing weight, learning more, never a shirker.
He prays daily, to a silent God,
Sings and listens hard, to his silent Lord.

Each day he grows more and more,
In which direction, that surprise lies in store.

He finds strength but with no purpose,
He finds stamina but with no direction.
He finds compassion, but no one wants it,
He finds others, and loses himself.

Where does this story go?
I do not know.
Back into canada's freezing snows.
Back into a life that laid him low.

Does anyone care?
Hell no,
They're all absorbed ,
In their own little woes.

In the depths of the night as he slowly walks,
He walks alone,
alone,
alone.

Why God? I need you to help me answer the question of my life. What am I here for? To go through trial after trial, obstacle after obstacle? For what Lord? Why do you make me understand how much every soul on earth suffers, then don't equip me with the means to help them? It tears me that I am so impotent in curing the ills of the world. It tears me that I always seem to be walking this path alone. It hurts that every path shown to me is a lonely one, that everyone cries to me for help, and like a geas under you I respond! I know I am not perfect, and I will never be perfect, but is it wrong for me to always want to chase after you? To chase after your perfection? I want to have your all-consuming compassion, but I am weak, and sometimes I lose my temper when I should be compassionate. Lord sometimes I wish you had made me dumb, incompetent and untalented...

I feel like I'm being tortured every day of my existence, and I have to help everyone. Even though I know I can't.

Lord, I pray I have chosen the right path in choosing to do Nuskin as a business. With you as my moral guiding light, and with the potential returns that might come from working in Nuskin, I want to save millions.

Mother Theresa once said, "There are thousands of unwanted children being abandoned everyday. They are killed, abandoned, unloved and hurt. I have a better idea f what to do with all those children. Give them all to ME. I will Love them, Save them, Give them my home, and Shelter them from hurt. There in Jesus in every single one of them, and I want to save them all." Yes Lord, I want to save them all as well.

I am willing to sacrifice my life for you Lord, to save everyone. I know I am not Jesus, neither am I a saint like Mother Theresa, but use me to be a light onto your word Lord. Use me so I may find a purposeful life, a fulfilling one. I love you Lord and I know you love everyone. I also love everyone who has touched my life, and I want to make life better, for all of them...

21 days

hmm it takes 21 days of daily repetition to form a habit... i used to smile everyday automatically, and now, it's a conscious effort. But, i've decided to become a part of Nuskin an MLM company and one of it's dictates is to spend 21 days generally smiling and making myself feel good about what i am doing and i plan to do just that.

21 days of habit forming... let's do it!

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...