~SilverBird~

Friday, March 07, 2008

Where is the light I used to have?

It's been almost a month since I last posted, and I am still sick. I have not regained my voice as yet. Many things have come and passed, I still cannot find the will to study for my life...

It's taken me so long just to understand small parts of myself, and it seems so ridiculous when other people seem to know themselves so well. I'm always introspecting, always alone, always judging other's actions and my own. I should stop.

Maybe I'm just too sick in my mind and in my body and soul, to fight off my depression. I love the fact that I've gained many valuable friends this study semester, but what has it cost me...

I've been sick for close to a month now... how does it feel to be well, I've forgotten? I even dream as though I've always talked in whispers. The precious gift of music God gave me is fading away, my greatest source of relief from sadness has been denied me, and though I smile and try my damnedest to keep my spirits up and my sense of humor, right this moment, I just want to give up the semester and go home. I want to be a quitter, I'm already a failure anyway, what's one more step?

God please help me regain my balance, my soul, and my gift from you... I know You love me, but why is it so hard when it seems no else does?

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Sick Sick Sick

Well, as I'm typing this I'm actually marginally better (in a way). I managed to get a stomach flu on tuesday (for some reason), it was pretty bad, had diarrhea-like symptoms, a headache, nausea and what felt like a fever. As a result, I don't eat for three days and don't sleep for more than 2hrs in a row, due to frequent "trips".

BUT WAIT! the best part is yet to come! On thursday, when I HAVEN"T recovered much, I suddenly get the FLU! as in influenza!, yes, fun! This resulted in another round of headaches and fever, and to add to my troubles, a bad cough and sore throat.

THEN on friday I lost my voice and had a mild asthma attack because of the coughing and the sore throat. So since then I've been sleeping and just resting and not doing very much. I do feel better today, in that I don't have to go to the bath room every hour.

So after taking multi-vits every day, pepto-bismol, and other assorted medical drugs and concoctions, I think "drugged up to my ears" is an appropriate phrase. I wonder if there's a song for that?...

In other news I composed a new "ditty" or at least a pshort piece of music of what I think of as ditties. I lost my voice so I can't find the lyrics for it yet, but considering the information I've read about song composing, it ought to be a song about love or romance. (was thinking of a love song for God, but well..., I want my best work for Him, not this ditty haha)

So here I am, sometimes feeling unloved (though I'm rather confused about my feelings for xiao mei right now), thinking of writing a love song... Can a person write a song that he doesn't believe is under the breadth of his experiences? Oh well...