Monday, November 27, 2006

Jolt Cola (changed entry)

Hmmm, i'm gonna print a retraction here, since anonymous is angry at me. I know who it is and yes that person does have reason to be angry at me. I did not know that the concrete walls here carried sound quite so well. Some points though,

The weed wasn't by neighbours but was by two people invited by the neighbours
I knew it was weed only because they offered me, I have never seen weed in my life so have no idea if they were serious or not
Maybe they weren't stoned but drunk, i cannot tell the difference.
Yes i was wrong to say those things, but it was through ignorance so forgive me
Also, I have never claimed to be holier than anyone on this floor, or anyone in the world, I am also a sinnner like anyone else. I was a little high on Jolt Cola the day I typed the entry and I apologise for that, on the same note, things I put on here are to be taken with a grain of salt, if I wanted to espouse full unadulterated truths that bare my soul, I'd get a dog.
Lastly, I may not have friends, though some people here might contradict me, I accede the point that I am not really making an effort to make friends. In all honesty, I will be leaving this country in 3 more years, and it hurts to keep leaving friends behind, I have done it 3 times in my life before and it never gets any easier, I won't avoid it, but I won't look for it either, if there's anything else u'd like me to post on this retraction continue as you have, I am truly sorry you feel this way about me, but I am only human.

I may be worse than you.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Hoping wishing waiting

for a way to jus sleep without worries, without stress, without a weight on my back.

For the past week I have been wondering, ......, how in the world did i sleep so easily before and what is different now... I have come to two conclusions.

Conclusion 1, not enough exercise!... so I went weight lifting today
Conclusion 2, not reading enuff (which considerin I read books like people smoke it might almost be cold turkey lol) so I decided to keep an hr free before bed to read tonight, hopefully things works out *fingers crossed*

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Another Insomniac Night

I don't know what in the world is keeping me up, I've tried not sleeping in the day, reading a book before i sleep, studying before sleeping, almost everything I can think of. I just can't sleep! And after turning around for a while, I start thinking of her! What am I to do? If this goes on much longer I'll start to go mad, honstly...

Honestly. after watching Bruce Almighty and him willing to be unhappy so tt the one he loves would be happy, I though I had laid my demons to rest. sigh... evidently not.

Finals are around the corner, and although this is just the first yr of business, 1/10 people in the cohort have already dropped out.

My thoughts keep wandering I have no grasp on my reality, partly because I am so tired, partly because I worry about her sometimes, partly because I feel so alone here sometimes. I wouldn't classify it as homesickness, more like a frustration in my lack of ability to make myself a whole person. I read a quote by Mother Teresa that sort of sums up how I feel right now...


I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Teresa

I'm tired, I'm hurting, I'm lost, I'm empty..., I was some of these before I came here. Now, I'm awake and unable to sleep... sigh...

Friday, November 24, 2006

Friday night

Hmm it's friday night and i'm alone once again, had a short 2hr nap in the afternoon earlier, and now I feel slightly better. Still haven't had a chance to go out and play, but maybe I should get used to it. Other than goin to church I am starting to become a recluse haha.

Hmmm I have a fun 3 weeks ahead,
Next week: Physics Lab Test, and Philosophy 'Midterm' exam 2

Week after: Dec 7 Math 130 finals, Dec 8 Business 111 Finals

After that: Dec 12 Econs Finals, Dec 13 Philosophy Finals, Dec 14 Physics finals

I guess for the next three weeks I'll have to become a recluse. I'm still lonely, more often than not, but I am not home sick or anything, just a little tired of not being able to have fun and to have no one to talk with. God is lovely to talk with, it's just that He's not human... Not right now in any case. :)

• The dying, the cripple, the mental, the unwanted, the unloved-- they are Jesus in disguise. - Mother Teresa

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Errant thoughts

A good friend of mine likes to tell me, 'don't think so much.' That's a problem sometimes for me. Like now, it's 4 am in the morning on a saturday, I have church on the morrow, and I can't sleep. I keep thinking of someone...

She's someone special to me, I don't meet her very often truth be told, but all the same I think about her still, even though she feels a million miles away. In more way than one.

Some of the events of the past few days may have had some influence on my thoughts, but recently I just think of her at odd times, and find myself doing my work and wondering what she would say if she saw it. Odd things like that.

Even though I used to see her about only once every two months or so, I miss those times, as in frequent as they were. I don't know what I was thinking but I just can't sleep. Maybe I just miss her.

It feels wrong to miss her so much especially as she has someone else she loves and loves her back, but I just can't control the direction my thoughts flow towards. Especially when I want to sleep. sigh...

I think too much? Definitely. Is it a good or a bad thing? I don't know. Sometimes I don't know if I should ask God to help me forget, if not everything, the important parts. Or if I should ask God for something forbidden... Doesn't help that recently I have been hearing so many sermons on christians not asking enough of God. That people should use God to empower them, and not stick to timid prayers.

I might have aken it outof context. Point is, I can't sleep, and I don't even know what to pray for. I just end up praying she's happy, and protected. sigh. I can't sleep...

Artist: Adam SandlerSong: I Wanna Grow Old With You

I wanna make you smile, whenever you're sad,
Carry you around when your arthristis is bad,
All i wanna do,
is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches,
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks oh,
It could be so nice,
growing old with you,

I'll miss you, kiss you,
give you my coat when you are cold.
I need you, feed you,
even let you hold the remote control.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink,
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink oh,
I could be the man
who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Update

Well, I'm updating now cos I'm going to keep my word, although I don't really feel like it right now. So here goes...

It's been a pretty bad week for me honestly. Like some bad omen, first my guitar string snaps without anyone touching it, then it goes downhill from there.

Sunday night, Guitar string snaps, and I have a slight case of insomnia and find myself unable to sleep until 3am.

Monday, wake up very tired for 9am class, have 4 classes back to back with 2 mini tests, 4pm. Then rush to pick up glasses,(5pm) then rush to have a small dinner with guys from my Campus for Christ Discipleship Group. (7pm) then get back to room to study physics, business and philosophy. (8pm) get a msg from my business group mate, he and two girls are bickering over the focus of the project when presentation and final proposal next week. Want to radically change idea. 3 of them try to corner me and I play verbal taichi with them. (9pm) Finally managed to get them to admit real reason why they want to change proposal, they think change focus that I feel is impossible to work with, will be easier. I almost lose my temper, but managed to control and just feel tired. (10pm) finally get them to understand what a 16 year old in singapore would. Continue to study, continue to have insomnia, die in my bed at 2.30am.

Tuessday, (7.30am) morning have Discipleship group, get down to it. After that have 2 classes back to back. (1pm) Second class is physics lab which I hate the most. My lab partner doesn't show again so I have to do the whole experiment myself, write a whole bunch of crap to answer the lab, and bring home my next 4 hour lab report, which I foresee I will hate as well. (3pm)Teach 4 people how to answer online econs quiz, on surplus. (5pm) Alone in room, trying to string guitar, answer some people on msn asking about the quiz, studying philosophy, physics(rotation), read business ethics chapter and eat a dinner that cools rapidly. I finish nothing, not even my dinner. Sleep at 2am cos I just give up.

Wednesday today, wake at 8 for another 9am physics lec. finish it with no clue, skip math to get some sleep, I got 58/60 for my math midterm, so I don't think i'll die missing one lec. (1pm)Go for business lab trying to cram some reading for philosophy. Have a 2 hr break after business lec to scarf down a lunch and attempt to finish studying philosophy. Key word attempt, answering key word, failed. Went for 2hr 30 min philosophy lec, and now have to catch up to even more reading. (6.30pm) Ate a quick dinner, read liberty oil company which has screwed up ethics system and went for night lab(8.30pm - 10pm) Faced down 2 donkeys, I mean grp mates who wanted to change, and now i SEE THEM FACE TO FACE THEY TELL ME IT'S NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! THEY EVEN ASK ME FOR FAVOURS! haiz, so i say ok, help them with econs and a bit of math cos they're donkeys. I mean too slow in their own studies. Reach back at my room at 11.30pm, studying for tmr's econs lec and philosophy tutorial.

sigh... and that's my week so far. Why must the axiom that, 'just because a student comes to the university doesn't mean they're smart', be so true? Would you like to buy a vowel? How about a clue? What about I give you a clue for free? If you don't drink and smoke and get hangovers so much, you might do better in your studies! Since I'm such a nice guy I'll give another clue for free! You call me smart, yet treat me like I'm stupid, when you're in trouble you look to me for help, when you're free, you don't know me. So whatever yeah... Thank you God for the obstacles I have to climb over. Once I'm over this hill I'll be able to make more money than Bill Gates, or I'll freeze on mount Everest. RIP