A Semi-finalist

After 7 long months of New venture project, it's finally over. I'm amazed that our group did so well, we managed to get into the semi-finals when I wasn't sure our group could have. It was such a rush learning that we had emerged the top in our lab and was to be a semi-finalist, working through the night to make a better report and powerpoint. Jess was great, she helped us so much...

Hmm to better clarify, the semi-finalists were mentioned at 11pm on thursday night and we had to hand in 7 copies of our report to the Teaching Assistant's(TA) office by 10am.So in a mad rush to improve our chances for getting to the finals, we used that 11 hour space, working through the night to just improve our report. We also had to present our work a second time to a panel of 7 judges. Alas, tis was all in vain, so i lost a night of sleep and slept during the day... And now it's night and I don't feel very tired... Just sick... Well, I'm glad that we managed to get as far as we did... We have bragging rights now, in the top undergraduate business university in canada, we are the top 20% in the business program to get through to the semi-finals. It's good enough for me in my book. I just wish I could have celebrated this with someone tonight... oh well...

Music

I've recently come upon the thought that I might understand myself more through the way I play music... I'm wondering whee this thought will lead me. I feel I'm right but I'm not sure what path this will lead me down. I know I'm not exactly a great musician but as artists express their views and perceptions through painting, I try to do the same through music... But up till now I've never really thought about what I'm actually 'saying' through my playing... Time to reflect...

Reflections off a murky pool...

I realize I am a person who needs to interact with other people, yet at the same time I'm uncomfortable with too many people... It's weird... I feel... disjointed when I am completely undisturbed and have no book to absorb my attention within... I realize whenever I am on the computer I always use msn to chat with people... for no reason other than it keeps me from being truly alone... At the same time... I know I am not comfortable in a crowd of strangers. How do I strike a balance?

Anyway, the term is almost ending another 3 more weeks and I will be moving out of Bricker residence... I honestly don't know how I feel about it, it's been my 'home' for the past 8 months, and I have gotten rather comfortable here... in a sense... I don't really need much amenities and the only serious problem I have encountered is a chronic insomnia that strikes whenever ... I'm not too sure why yet, it just happens... I know when I move out I WILL miss this place...

In other news, i AM a bibliophile, it feels so uncomfortable without a book to read... I've refrained from purchasing books for the past month or so and have had a few withdrawal symptoms from the lack of textual material. I've been listless and restless... I've also been thinking waaay too much. I realize I still miss Aunt, but not talking or seeing her online helps somewhat... I might have been really stupid going about that though... I decided I WILL tell her when I'll be back in Singapore, but will refrain from contacting her before then... sigh... i really should keep that bracelet she gave me in a safe place... I see it lying beside my com everyday... At least I've stopped wearing it as though it were a religious item, or a prayer...

2 weeks to the midterms... I have no confidence in myself at all..., I'm coping with my flu, my insomnia, my stupidity, and my lack of self-confidence... How do I study? I mean, I know I've been to every single lecture and have never skipped even one, so I understand the material well enough. I just can't study recently... It isn't a matter of discipline, commitment or scheduling anymore. I square away time to study... and I sit and stare, or get sidetracked or simply can't understand what the heck I am looking at. Thank God the business New Venture project is almost over. That took up a huge load of my time... It's the only thing I have been somewhat serious in all term as it's something realistic that I want to try in future.

Where am I goin in my life... I have a goal in life yes, but is it the right direction? Most of my JC friends think I should be in the Arts... My Church friends think I should be in the music or sciences, I don't know what I want either... I know I love music but also know it's not viable plus I don't have the talent for it. Sigh, here I am going on this tangent again...

Need need need to do well in business.... Must do well... HAVE to do well... What else can I do in life?

Krytonite

KRYPTONITE
By: Three Doors Down

I took a walk around the world to
ease my troubled mind
I left my body lying somewhere
in the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the
dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
to do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

Chorus:
If I go crazy then will you still
call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
there holding my hand
I'll keep you be my side with
my superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called my strong, you called me weak,
but still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
on solid ground

Repeat Chorus Two Times

Yeah!

Repeat Chorus Two Times, till end…
_________________________________________________
Hmm, I don't know why I like this song and 'Eleanor' by mad millions so much, Krytonite is the ONLY rock song which i know the lyrics back to back , that's mostly cos I had to sing it on two separate occasions and it's an easy song to play... Well relatively easy at least.

Most people tell me not to think so much, but... I'm stupid enough, I'm not exactly doing fantastically well in my studies, and I don't know if there's any way to really not think other than drinking and being insanely busy. Even while reading I'm constantly comparing events in my life to the fictional characters in my books, or my experiences in what I read in my text books.

Another person recently told me, girls aren't interested in me likely because I don't exude the feeling of 'looking' for a relationship. Honestly... I don't know how to do that... I can recognize it in people sure, but it's like ... like knowing how people ride a bicycle, but not being able to ride one yourself. Another question people ask, is if I feel inaequate about myself, again honestly? No... Yes I know I'm fat and ugly and not too smart... But I'm stronger than most people my size, I can play more instruments than most people and I'm not exactly poor, I recognize that I am blessed in so many ways, and I'm pretty sure God knows that as well...

Problem is, well all the things I can do... don't make for good first impressions and that can be unfortunate. Oh well, so do I then work harder to change people's impression of me? Well, maybe I'm looking for that person who looks past another's surface and into their being themself. I know some who have done it, and they're good friends of mine in Singapore who know I would sacrifice much for them, and have done so in the past.

Now I jus need to find my own niche here... How? I don't know... God will provide, maybe at the end of 4 years I'd hate to leave this place as much as I did Singapore... Only time will tell...

Listening to Vertical Horizon now... Hey damein, let's try that song once i'm back in singapore for the hols yeah? God bless.

Snow Day 2

Well, due to an internet error my previous post was lost in cyberspace. Oh well...

Well, I had a midterm that was supposed to be today, but as a result of the snow day, it has apparently been postphoned. Currently there is no news as to when it will be postphoned to. This is pretty good for me as I had a bad bout of insomnia again last night, went to bed at 2am only to wake up at 5am with no clue why. So i did a little studying, finished watching Army Daze on youtube and visited the blogs of a few friends. Then it hit me so hard when I visited an ex-classmate's blog. It showed them singing a medley of singapore songs, and my first big bout of homesickness hit me.

Waterloo just seems so big yet so restrictive at the same time. Being in a place that plainly dwarfs singapore yet not having the means to tranverse it, is a psychological challenge. In singapore I knew almost all the major roads, and it's so small you couldn't really get lost, and the freedom of having a car. It was just so comfortable there, where going to town, I would be able to come across 2 or 3 friends on a weekend.

I miss bball saturdays with Gene, Abner, Aaron, Tony, Ivan, Jes, Terry, and sometimes the other who join us like Shung and Jarrod , supper and nonsense with Joy, Ashley, Rachel, jamming with Dam and the youth worship team, discussion suppers with Lun(one of my best friends), midnight road trips with Hansel(another best friend, known both for over a decade), movie dates with Eunice, philosophical/theological/tech discussion with Izzy, singing with PS100, Small group meetings with Hon Yuh leading and even the small things like driving little aunt(van) home and talking with her, and random meals with Aunt and rarer one with I-shan and Jamie. I even miss playing DotA with the guys online and in LAN shops...

Sometimes, I wonder how I made so many friends there, especially when I have so many problems making friends with the people here. Is all because I have lived almost my whole life in Singapore? Seems the case yet, most of my good friends mentioned above I have only started meeting 5 to 6 years ago. Most of them are my church friends, people I've helped and people I love in a way I can't express. It's not that I don't have good and valuable friends here, friends like Cora, Meh meh(jess), Chris, and Allan. Yet, I feel restrained. I have no idea what I want. The relationsip i have with Cora and Chris feels more like a business relationship, Cora's somewhat deeper. Allan, it's hard cos it feels like he has bigger things to think about. Jess is the only friendly friend, but she's only one person...

Sigh, so many things I want done, so many things I need done, so few I have done. Well, happy snow day to me...