I am going to stop posting on this blog. Due to recent events, which I will not disclose here. Silverbird is dead, the phoenix will rise again, but when and how and in what way, know not I. To those who have me on msn, I will explain. Otherwise, this is the end.
Death comes to all who wait... Long enough
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
A little update
I realize I haven't updated in a long long time. I'm in class now doing this simply because I can't concentrate anyway and might as well be doing something to keep awake and listen somewhat to the boring marketing professor...
My life the past few weeks have been... rather uninteresting, but it's been ok. I've started gymming about 3 times a week, and have taekwondo training about 3 times a week, and it's eating up quite a bit of time for me. I haven't lost very much weight but I realize my stamina and balance have increased somewhat. Starting this week I will start trying to lose weight again, will start watching everything I eat.
The things that seem to be on my mind the most are my studies and xiao mei. I'm really glad that we are still such good friends, but at the same time a part of me feels a little empty. I don't mean to be so emo all the time, but when something like this is on one's mind all the time, it's kinda hard not to get introspective.
On a happier note, I'm studying and working out a lot more now, which works out well for me. I feel healthier and more confident of myself than ever before. So I will keep this up and hopefully things will change for me in the future.
My life the past few weeks have been... rather uninteresting, but it's been ok. I've started gymming about 3 times a week, and have taekwondo training about 3 times a week, and it's eating up quite a bit of time for me. I haven't lost very much weight but I realize my stamina and balance have increased somewhat. Starting this week I will start trying to lose weight again, will start watching everything I eat.
The things that seem to be on my mind the most are my studies and xiao mei. I'm really glad that we are still such good friends, but at the same time a part of me feels a little empty. I don't mean to be so emo all the time, but when something like this is on one's mind all the time, it's kinda hard not to get introspective.
On a happier note, I'm studying and working out a lot more now, which works out well for me. I feel healthier and more confident of myself than ever before. So I will keep this up and hopefully things will change for me in the future.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Can't think of a title...
It's been a while since I last posted I realize...
Has anything changed? Well, yes and no. It's hard to articulate the many things that are going through my mind right now. I've been back in Singapore for two months now, and it seems far too short. I'll be leaving for canada in another 4 weeks, and I can feel a deep seated fear within me. The thing that has changed is that I no longer allow it to paralyze me, but other than that, nothing has really changed I guess. I have just found strength in God to carry on.
I realize that the sentences seem rather disjointed at this point, but I'm honestly not bothering to order my thoughts right now. In the same way that all roads lead to Rome, all my neural pathways seem to point me in a direction I don't really want to go.
How can someone who cares for everyone survive?
The burden he puts upon himself,
Is meant for God alone.
He can't not care, he can't be unkind,
Yet somedays it seems, he can't do anything right.
The harder he tries, the harder he falls,
His plane never takes off, it simply stalls,
Why then does he try so hard?
Why does he seem like a tub of lard?
He learns a way to soothe most people,
Yet it angers some other people.
He finds a way to smooth the way,
And gets laughed at, from sunset to day.
What way is right?
What way is wrong?
To say a few words,
or to sing a song?
What way is left?
What way is right?
To find happiness by God,
Or to find it by might?
He tries so hard, like the little ant worker,
Losing weight, learning more, never a shirker.
He prays daily, to a silent God,
Sings and listens hard, to his silent Lord.
Each day he grows more and more,
In which direction, that surprise lies in store.
He finds strength but with no purpose,
He finds stamina but with no direction.
He finds compassion, but no one wants it,
He finds others, and loses himself.
Where does this story go?
I do not know.
Back into canada's freezing snows.
Back into a life that laid him low.
Does anyone care?
Hell no,
They're all absorbed ,
In their own little woes.
In the depths of the night as he slowly walks,
He walks alone,
alone,
alone.
Why God? I need you to help me answer the question of my life. What am I here for? To go through trial after trial, obstacle after obstacle? For what Lord? Why do you make me understand how much every soul on earth suffers, then don't equip me with the means to help them? It tears me that I am so impotent in curing the ills of the world. It tears me that I always seem to be walking this path alone. It hurts that every path shown to me is a lonely one, that everyone cries to me for help, and like a geas under you I respond! I know I am not perfect, and I will never be perfect, but is it wrong for me to always want to chase after you? To chase after your perfection? I want to have your all-consuming compassion, but I am weak, and sometimes I lose my temper when I should be compassionate. Lord sometimes I wish you had made me dumb, incompetent and untalented...
I feel like I'm being tortured every day of my existence, and I have to help everyone. Even though I know I can't.
Lord, I pray I have chosen the right path in choosing to do Nuskin as a business. With you as my moral guiding light, and with the potential returns that might come from working in Nuskin, I want to save millions.
Mother Theresa once said, "There are thousands of unwanted children being abandoned everyday. They are killed, abandoned, unloved and hurt. I have a better idea f what to do with all those children. Give them all to ME. I will Love them, Save them, Give them my home, and Shelter them from hurt. There in Jesus in every single one of them, and I want to save them all." Yes Lord, I want to save them all as well.
I am willing to sacrifice my life for you Lord, to save everyone. I know I am not Jesus, neither am I a saint like Mother Theresa, but use me to be a light onto your word Lord. Use me so I may find a purposeful life, a fulfilling one. I love you Lord and I know you love everyone. I also love everyone who has touched my life, and I want to make life better, for all of them...
Has anything changed? Well, yes and no. It's hard to articulate the many things that are going through my mind right now. I've been back in Singapore for two months now, and it seems far too short. I'll be leaving for canada in another 4 weeks, and I can feel a deep seated fear within me. The thing that has changed is that I no longer allow it to paralyze me, but other than that, nothing has really changed I guess. I have just found strength in God to carry on.
I realize that the sentences seem rather disjointed at this point, but I'm honestly not bothering to order my thoughts right now. In the same way that all roads lead to Rome, all my neural pathways seem to point me in a direction I don't really want to go.
How can someone who cares for everyone survive?
The burden he puts upon himself,
Is meant for God alone.
He can't not care, he can't be unkind,
Yet somedays it seems, he can't do anything right.
The harder he tries, the harder he falls,
His plane never takes off, it simply stalls,
Why then does he try so hard?
Why does he seem like a tub of lard?
He learns a way to soothe most people,
Yet it angers some other people.
He finds a way to smooth the way,
And gets laughed at, from sunset to day.
What way is right?
What way is wrong?
To say a few words,
or to sing a song?
What way is left?
What way is right?
To find happiness by God,
Or to find it by might?
He tries so hard, like the little ant worker,
Losing weight, learning more, never a shirker.
He prays daily, to a silent God,
Sings and listens hard, to his silent Lord.
Each day he grows more and more,
In which direction, that surprise lies in store.
He finds strength but with no purpose,
He finds stamina but with no direction.
He finds compassion, but no one wants it,
He finds others, and loses himself.
Where does this story go?
I do not know.
Back into canada's freezing snows.
Back into a life that laid him low.
Does anyone care?
Hell no,
They're all absorbed ,
In their own little woes.
In the depths of the night as he slowly walks,
He walks alone,
alone,
alone.
Why God? I need you to help me answer the question of my life. What am I here for? To go through trial after trial, obstacle after obstacle? For what Lord? Why do you make me understand how much every soul on earth suffers, then don't equip me with the means to help them? It tears me that I am so impotent in curing the ills of the world. It tears me that I always seem to be walking this path alone. It hurts that every path shown to me is a lonely one, that everyone cries to me for help, and like a geas under you I respond! I know I am not perfect, and I will never be perfect, but is it wrong for me to always want to chase after you? To chase after your perfection? I want to have your all-consuming compassion, but I am weak, and sometimes I lose my temper when I should be compassionate. Lord sometimes I wish you had made me dumb, incompetent and untalented...
I feel like I'm being tortured every day of my existence, and I have to help everyone. Even though I know I can't.
Lord, I pray I have chosen the right path in choosing to do Nuskin as a business. With you as my moral guiding light, and with the potential returns that might come from working in Nuskin, I want to save millions.
Mother Theresa once said, "There are thousands of unwanted children being abandoned everyday. They are killed, abandoned, unloved and hurt. I have a better idea f what to do with all those children. Give them all to ME. I will Love them, Save them, Give them my home, and Shelter them from hurt. There in Jesus in every single one of them, and I want to save them all." Yes Lord, I want to save them all as well.
I am willing to sacrifice my life for you Lord, to save everyone. I know I am not Jesus, neither am I a saint like Mother Theresa, but use me to be a light onto your word Lord. Use me so I may find a purposeful life, a fulfilling one. I love you Lord and I know you love everyone. I also love everyone who has touched my life, and I want to make life better, for all of them...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
21 days
hmm it takes 21 days of daily repetition to form a habit... i used to smile everyday automatically, and now, it's a conscious effort. But, i've decided to become a part of Nuskin an MLM company and one of it's dictates is to spend 21 days generally smiling and making myself feel good about what i am doing and i plan to do just that.
21 days of habit forming... let's do it!
21 days of habit forming... let's do it!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I walk alone
I walk a...
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I walk alone
I walk a...
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...
~the broken voice~
I think it's really gone for good... my original voice seems to be gone forever... It's been one and a half months and I am still unable to sing the range I'm used to... I still lose my voice when I don't focus on speaking, I still struggle to be in tune when I sing the little bit I CAN sing...
sigh it makes me want to cry some days... being in the choir were the best days of my life, and now i can't even re-live those dreams, i can't... i can't dream anymore...
it's also been so long since I talked to xiao mei... i miss her a lot, but she refuses to talk to me...
i just really want to cry... even though i'm a guy...
sigh it makes me want to cry some days... being in the choir were the best days of my life, and now i can't even re-live those dreams, i can't... i can't dream anymore...
it's also been so long since I talked to xiao mei... i miss her a lot, but she refuses to talk to me...
i just really want to cry... even though i'm a guy...
Friday, May 30, 2008
Waking Life
Bah I hate waking up and feeling like this... the exultation of tuesday through to thursday is gone and I am left feeling hollow once more. i hate this!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Recent events
Hmm the past two days have been good days, although Sunday was a disaster...
Just felt so down last Sunday for no apparent reason...
Anyways the last two days have been pretty good and I believe I am on the road to recovery... finally :) Spent tuesday with aunt and her friend, Wenxian, was a pretty fun day. We had lunch at a hotdog place in downtown east, first time i ever saw anyone put an egg in their hotdog... then we went bowling at east coast parkway, which was pretty fun and funny... there was this guy in the next lane with his own ball, his own shoes, his bowlingglove and ball bag+towel.... and he bowled... 176, there i was with only my own shoe (so i don't need to pay for shoe rental), no custom bowling ball, towel, or glove... and I bowl... 175! wahahahaha. then had a chilling time just relaxing at a coffee shop near Aunt's place and I left to go simlim with boss aka gary and peeg aka damein. Spent 100 on upgrades to my sad sad com, and 200 on a new router to replace my old router which was in three distinct yet working pieces, spent 50 bucks on an 8gb usb flash and 50 bucks on a set of pool balls...
so money flew away lol... i guess this is what peoplemean by retail therapy...
See money is evil, the less you have the happier you are :p
then yesterday was spent with Ah joy Ah. We didn't do much, but for some reason it was so comfortable to just be with her while she's working. we're old friends but what was weird was that it wasn't weird to be just be with her and do... nothing... then taht night she coerced me into joining a charity seminar for the DSA(Down Syndrome Association of Singapore). where I learnt everything I already knew about myself. that I was sensitive, wishy washy and couldn't say no... etc etc story of my life, the living door mat lol.
so yeah it's been a good few days... hope to have more... but i'm out of cash :P
Just felt so down last Sunday for no apparent reason...
Anyways the last two days have been pretty good and I believe I am on the road to recovery... finally :) Spent tuesday with aunt and her friend, Wenxian, was a pretty fun day. We had lunch at a hotdog place in downtown east, first time i ever saw anyone put an egg in their hotdog... then we went bowling at east coast parkway, which was pretty fun and funny... there was this guy in the next lane with his own ball, his own shoes, his bowlingglove and ball bag+towel.... and he bowled... 176, there i was with only my own shoe (so i don't need to pay for shoe rental), no custom bowling ball, towel, or glove... and I bowl... 175! wahahahaha. then had a chilling time just relaxing at a coffee shop near Aunt's place and I left to go simlim with boss aka gary and peeg aka damein. Spent 100 on upgrades to my sad sad com, and 200 on a new router to replace my old router which was in three distinct yet working pieces, spent 50 bucks on an 8gb usb flash and 50 bucks on a set of pool balls...
so money flew away lol... i guess this is what peoplemean by retail therapy...
See money is evil, the less you have the happier you are :p
then yesterday was spent with Ah joy Ah. We didn't do much, but for some reason it was so comfortable to just be with her while she's working. we're old friends but what was weird was that it wasn't weird to be just be with her and do... nothing... then taht night she coerced me into joining a charity seminar for the DSA(Down Syndrome Association of Singapore). where I learnt everything I already knew about myself. that I was sensitive, wishy washy and couldn't say no... etc etc story of my life, the living door mat lol.
so yeah it's been a good few days... hope to have more... but i'm out of cash :P
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Weighed Down
i don't really know what to blog about... just felt like I really needed to put something down...
I sent the journal on to Rachel... I realize, that I'm not completely depressedanymore,thereare the times during the day taht I am able to forget, and enjoy myself a little in the things I do. Yet, the feelings keep rushing back...
Right now my emotions are sad, dejected and lonely. i feel like as usual I'm crying out for help, but it's too subtle for people to understand or read it. i don't blame them, but it makes me even sadder that no one can understand me, can helpme, can save me...
I hate to cry,
then why do i do it so often nowadays?...
I sent the journal on to Rachel... I realize, that I'm not completely depressedanymore,thereare the times during the day taht I am able to forget, and enjoy myself a little in the things I do. Yet, the feelings keep rushing back...
Right now my emotions are sad, dejected and lonely. i feel like as usual I'm crying out for help, but it's too subtle for people to understand or read it. i don't blame them, but it makes me even sadder that no one can understand me, can helpme, can save me...
I hate to cry,
then why do i do it so often nowadays?...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Update
on me I guess. It's been a while since I posted on the blog proper. I haven't been too good and seem to have completely lost interest in anything and everything. So that means, going bowling to appease my uncle, playing wii with my cousin, and losing to make him happy, and going outto eat with my relatives. It also means I have not really listened to any new music, haven't touched any musical instrument and haven't really been online for the past few weeks.
It's been a pretty bad year for me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to recover from it. I used to go out and do the things I liked, to relax and just be happy, but what do I do now that everything seems stale and boring? Or worse, feels like a reminder of what I never seem to be good enough for.
What's the point of being disciplined, skilled, or talented, when try as you might, you just can't get what you want. And your mind plays tricks on you, tempting you with it every day?
At Rachel's behest, I started writing a journal roughly 5 days ago. I was supposed to put an entry in it 4 times day, but with my schedule, and whims, it's significantly less structured than that. In it I wrote down my thoughts at the time, my ruminations, my hopes, and my dreams.
I'm seriously considering posting it up on this blog just for the shock factor, and have not decided yet either way. The decision of what to do with it ranges from sending it to Rachel who might analyse it and posting it on this blog, to selecting it and pressing the "delete" button fast and furious. Maybe even to printing it out and burning it and mixing the ashes in water for me to drink.
Am I really so subtle in real life that no one can read my true feelings even when I feel like I am telegraphing them? Am I really that good an actor? Do I really need to spell every single syllable, insinuation and sarcastic remark out? I'm a complex person, yet in many ways not that complex.
I just want to be understood. Is it really all that hard?
I think I need a shrink...
It's been a pretty bad year for me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to recover from it. I used to go out and do the things I liked, to relax and just be happy, but what do I do now that everything seems stale and boring? Or worse, feels like a reminder of what I never seem to be good enough for.
What's the point of being disciplined, skilled, or talented, when try as you might, you just can't get what you want. And your mind plays tricks on you, tempting you with it every day?
At Rachel's behest, I started writing a journal roughly 5 days ago. I was supposed to put an entry in it 4 times day, but with my schedule, and whims, it's significantly less structured than that. In it I wrote down my thoughts at the time, my ruminations, my hopes, and my dreams.
I'm seriously considering posting it up on this blog just for the shock factor, and have not decided yet either way. The decision of what to do with it ranges from sending it to Rachel who might analyse it and posting it on this blog, to selecting it and pressing the "delete" button fast and furious. Maybe even to printing it out and burning it and mixing the ashes in water for me to drink.
Am I really so subtle in real life that no one can read my true feelings even when I feel like I am telegraphing them? Am I really that good an actor? Do I really need to spell every single syllable, insinuation and sarcastic remark out? I'm a complex person, yet in many ways not that complex.
I just want to be understood. Is it really all that hard?
I think I need a shrink...
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Here i am
so here I am at my friend's place. i'd intended to help him pack up as he is supposed to go home the next day. instead he is sleeping in bed with xiao mei and i am left here watching a movie i'm not crazy about.
why do i like her so much, why do the small things she does always seem to hurt so much. she claims she is as close to me as she is to him, but it's clearly not true... i should be resigned to this... i've been dumped so many times in the past, but somehow this time it is different... it hurts so much... somedays I wish I were never born. I feel unloved and stupid...
why do i like her so much, why do the small things she does always seem to hurt so much. she claims she is as close to me as she is to him, but it's clearly not true... i should be resigned to this... i've been dumped so many times in the past, but somehow this time it is different... it hurts so much... somedays I wish I were never born. I feel unloved and stupid...
Sigh
what do i do what do i do what do i do? I don't want to feel jealous anymore... sigh... some days i wish i were never born...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Time for everything
There's a time for everything, and some things there's always time for... I had my time to laugh to cry, to be happy to be sad, to be coddled to be hurt, to be betrayed to be saved. Now it's time to demonstrate my faith. It has always been time, I was just slow in realizing it I guess.
Dear Father,
My faith in You strengthens me, as I go into this time of great stress, my exam period, it is my heartfelt prayer to You that You grant me clarity of mind, strength of body, the spirit of determination and eyes that never lose sight of you.
To my Lord and Saviour, my Father and best friend.
Amen
Dear Father,
My faith in You strengthens me, as I go into this time of great stress, my exam period, it is my heartfelt prayer to You that You grant me clarity of mind, strength of body, the spirit of determination and eyes that never lose sight of you.
To my Lord and Saviour, my Father and best friend.
Amen
Friday, March 28, 2008
My Lord strengthens me
Hey thanks everyone for your concern and stuff. After spending almost a full day of prayer yesterday I believe I have found myself once more. No I am still sick, but I have realized I do not need the gifts God gave me and took away to serve Him. I had spent most of my life without the gift of music and had come to take it for granted after God bestowed a talent for music in me. I realize serving Him in my utmost capacity is what He wants, not to give him a high level of worship, but to give Him my best level of worship.
I feel much better, nothing has been solved, I'm not feeling any better, but by the grace of God I now understand. I have always been myself, I only need give my best eevn on my lowest days, and Jesus will lift my graces the rest of the way. Feel so much better internally at least.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?�
The Lord replied,
The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.
Thank you Lord
I feel much better, nothing has been solved, I'm not feeling any better, but by the grace of God I now understand. I have always been myself, I only need give my best eevn on my lowest days, and Jesus will lift my graces the rest of the way. Feel so much better internally at least.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?�
The Lord replied,
The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.
Thank you Lord
Friday, March 14, 2008
Save me
please
I drift, I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I'm helpless, I'm yearning
I'm like the putty in your hands
I laugh, I dream, I cry
When you take me on a roller coaster ride
You see me through and through
You see just who i am
Just take my hand and
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
I had a dream that i
was falling from the sky
At 90 miles an hour
I was bound to crash and die
But out of nowhere you came and rescued me
There must be some grace in the touch of your face
I'm so happy that I've found you
I'm no longer afraid
Oh ' cause you
Save me from this place
Heaven knows i'm falling
For you my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting
Before i met you
Life was slow-mo
So slow-mo
I thought i had it figured out
But you came and turned my whole world upside down
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows you've come to
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
Waiting for you
I drift, I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I'm helpless, I'm yearning
I'm like the putty in your hands
I laugh, I dream, I cry
When you take me on a roller coaster ride
You see me through and through
You see just who i am
Just take my hand and
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
I had a dream that i
was falling from the sky
At 90 miles an hour
I was bound to crash and die
But out of nowhere you came and rescued me
There must be some grace in the touch of your face
I'm so happy that I've found you
I'm no longer afraid
Oh ' cause you
Save me from this place
Heaven knows i'm falling
For you my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting
Before i met you
Life was slow-mo
So slow-mo
I thought i had it figured out
But you came and turned my whole world upside down
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows you've come to
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven Knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
Waiting for you
Friday, March 07, 2008
Where is the light I used to have?
It's been almost a month since I last posted, and I am still sick. I have not regained my voice as yet. Many things have come and passed, I still cannot find the will to study for my life...
It's taken me so long just to understand small parts of myself, and it seems so ridiculous when other people seem to know themselves so well. I'm always introspecting, always alone, always judging other's actions and my own. I should stop.
Maybe I'm just too sick in my mind and in my body and soul, to fight off my depression. I love the fact that I've gained many valuable friends this study semester, but what has it cost me...
I've been sick for close to a month now... how does it feel to be well, I've forgotten? I even dream as though I've always talked in whispers. The precious gift of music God gave me is fading away, my greatest source of relief from sadness has been denied me, and though I smile and try my damnedest to keep my spirits up and my sense of humor, right this moment, I just want to give up the semester and go home. I want to be a quitter, I'm already a failure anyway, what's one more step?
God please help me regain my balance, my soul, and my gift from you... I know You love me, but why is it so hard when it seems no else does?
It's taken me so long just to understand small parts of myself, and it seems so ridiculous when other people seem to know themselves so well. I'm always introspecting, always alone, always judging other's actions and my own. I should stop.
Maybe I'm just too sick in my mind and in my body and soul, to fight off my depression. I love the fact that I've gained many valuable friends this study semester, but what has it cost me...
I've been sick for close to a month now... how does it feel to be well, I've forgotten? I even dream as though I've always talked in whispers. The precious gift of music God gave me is fading away, my greatest source of relief from sadness has been denied me, and though I smile and try my damnedest to keep my spirits up and my sense of humor, right this moment, I just want to give up the semester and go home. I want to be a quitter, I'm already a failure anyway, what's one more step?
God please help me regain my balance, my soul, and my gift from you... I know You love me, but why is it so hard when it seems no else does?
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Sick Sick Sick
Well, as I'm typing this I'm actually marginally better (in a way). I managed to get a stomach flu on tuesday (for some reason), it was pretty bad, had diarrhea-like symptoms, a headache, nausea and what felt like a fever. As a result, I don't eat for three days and don't sleep for more than 2hrs in a row, due to frequent "trips".
BUT WAIT! the best part is yet to come! On thursday, when I HAVEN"T recovered much, I suddenly get the FLU! as in influenza!, yes, fun! This resulted in another round of headaches and fever, and to add to my troubles, a bad cough and sore throat.
THEN on friday I lost my voice and had a mild asthma attack because of the coughing and the sore throat. So since then I've been sleeping and just resting and not doing very much. I do feel better today, in that I don't have to go to the bath room every hour.
So after taking multi-vits every day, pepto-bismol, and other assorted medical drugs and concoctions, I think "drugged up to my ears" is an appropriate phrase. I wonder if there's a song for that?...
In other news I composed a new "ditty" or at least a pshort piece of music of what I think of as ditties. I lost my voice so I can't find the lyrics for it yet, but considering the information I've read about song composing, it ought to be a song about love or romance. (was thinking of a love song for God, but well..., I want my best work for Him, not this ditty haha)
So here I am, sometimes feeling unloved (though I'm rather confused about my feelings for xiao mei right now), thinking of writing a love song... Can a person write a song that he doesn't believe is under the breadth of his experiences? Oh well...
BUT WAIT! the best part is yet to come! On thursday, when I HAVEN"T recovered much, I suddenly get the FLU! as in influenza!, yes, fun! This resulted in another round of headaches and fever, and to add to my troubles, a bad cough and sore throat.
THEN on friday I lost my voice and had a mild asthma attack because of the coughing and the sore throat. So since then I've been sleeping and just resting and not doing very much. I do feel better today, in that I don't have to go to the bath room every hour.
So after taking multi-vits every day, pepto-bismol, and other assorted medical drugs and concoctions, I think "drugged up to my ears" is an appropriate phrase. I wonder if there's a song for that?...
In other news I composed a new "ditty" or at least a pshort piece of music of what I think of as ditties. I lost my voice so I can't find the lyrics for it yet, but considering the information I've read about song composing, it ought to be a song about love or romance. (was thinking of a love song for God, but well..., I want my best work for Him, not this ditty haha)
So here I am, sometimes feeling unloved (though I'm rather confused about my feelings for xiao mei right now), thinking of writing a love song... Can a person write a song that he doesn't believe is under the breadth of his experiences? Oh well...
Friday, February 01, 2008
Bored...
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Friday, January 25, 2008
Calling Overseas
Hey guys, for the singaporean friends especially, you can try calling me for free using the widget on the right. pls note tho that right now canada is 13 hrs behind singapore...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Rain Down
Lord, I need your cleansing pureness to clear me of my sins and of my iniquities. I stand here ready to be washed clean. In a new year of purpose, I pray you give me strength to return to whence I came. I pray you to lift my heavy heart, I pray you to let me dream and to follow those dreams. I pray to hear your quiet voice, even in the loudest of atmospheres. I pray Lord to never let me lose sight of you even in the heavy press of peers, subordinates and superiors.
I'm ready to dance on this barren earth in anticipation of your living rain.
Rain Down by Delirious
Looks like tonight, the sky is heavy
Feels like the winds are gonna change
Beneath my feet, the earth is ready
I know its time for heaven's rain, it's gonna rain
It's gonna rain, again
Cos it's living water we desire
To flood out hearts with holy fire
Rain down all around the world we're singing
Rain down can you hear the earth is singing
Rain down my heart is dry but still I'm singing
Rain down rain it down on me.
Back to the start, my heart is heavy
Feels like it's time, to dream again
I hear your voice, and yes I'm ready
To dance upon this barren land
Hope in my hands
Do not shut, Do not shut, Do not shut the heavens
But open up, open up, open up our hearts
Give me strength to cross the water
Keep my heart upon your altar
Give me strength to cross this water
Keep my feet don’t let me falter
I'm ready to dance on this barren earth in anticipation of your living rain.
Rain Down by Delirious
Looks like tonight, the sky is heavy
Feels like the winds are gonna change
Beneath my feet, the earth is ready
I know its time for heaven's rain, it's gonna rain
It's gonna rain, again
Cos it's living water we desire
To flood out hearts with holy fire
Rain down all around the world we're singing
Rain down can you hear the earth is singing
Rain down my heart is dry but still I'm singing
Rain down rain it down on me.
Back to the start, my heart is heavy
Feels like it's time, to dream again
I hear your voice, and yes I'm ready
To dance upon this barren land
Hope in my hands
Do not shut, Do not shut, Do not shut the heavens
But open up, open up, open up our hearts
Give me strength to cross the water
Keep my heart upon your altar
Give me strength to cross this water
Keep my feet don’t let me falter
Friday, January 11, 2008
Lifesong
I went bowling today, everyone was tired, but decided to make an effort to have fun together...
I added a song to this blog, it's on the sidebar. Tried to make it auto-play but it doesn't *shrug* oh well... listen to it yeah...
Lifesong By Casting Crowns
Empty hands held high
Such a small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight
May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You
Chorus:
Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign your name to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You
Lord, I give my life
A living sacrifice
To reach a world in need
To be Your hands and feet
So may the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you
(Chorus)
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Let my lifesong sing to You
(2x)
(Chorus 2x)
I added a song to this blog, it's on the sidebar. Tried to make it auto-play but it doesn't *shrug* oh well... listen to it yeah...
Lifesong By Casting Crowns
Empty hands held high
Such a small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight
May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You
Chorus:
Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign your name to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You
Lord, I give my life
A living sacrifice
To reach a world in need
To be Your hands and feet
So may the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you
(Chorus)
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Let my lifesong sing to You
(2x)
(Chorus 2x)
Monday, January 07, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
Sigh....
Apparently in trying out new layouts for my blog i lost my chat boxes and a few blog addresses... this normally wouldn't be too much of a problem except
1.) I haven't been using the internet from this com for a couple of weeks
2.) My history isn't that long termed
3.) I am an idiot
So I will try to reconstruct the missing stuff, using my non-existent intelligence. If you usually see you name in the Friendly Birds sections (i.e. my friends links) and would like to see them there again, pls drop me an email (you should know it) or jus message me thro here.... thanks.
1.) I haven't been using the internet from this com for a couple of weeks
2.) My history isn't that long termed
3.) I am an idiot
So I will try to reconstruct the missing stuff, using my non-existent intelligence. If you usually see you name in the Friendly Birds sections (i.e. my friends links) and would like to see them there again, pls drop me an email (you should know it) or jus message me thro here.... thanks.
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