Friday, May 30, 2008

Waking Life

Bah I hate waking up and feeling like this... the exultation of tuesday through to thursday is gone and I am left feeling hollow once more. i hate this!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Recent events

Hmm the past two days have been good days, although Sunday was a disaster...

Just felt so down last Sunday for no apparent reason...

Anyways the last two days have been pretty good and I believe I am on the road to recovery... finally :) Spent tuesday with aunt and her friend, Wenxian, was a pretty fun day. We had lunch at a hotdog place in downtown east, first time i ever saw anyone put an egg in their hotdog... then we went bowling at east coast parkway, which was pretty fun and funny... there was this guy in the next lane with his own ball, his own shoes, his bowlingglove and ball bag+towel.... and he bowled... 176, there i was with only my own shoe (so i don't need to pay for shoe rental), no custom bowling ball, towel, or glove... and I bowl... 175! wahahahaha. then had a chilling time just relaxing at a coffee shop near Aunt's place and I left to go simlim with boss aka gary and peeg aka damein. Spent 100 on upgrades to my sad sad com, and 200 on a new router to replace my old router which was in three distinct yet working pieces, spent 50 bucks on an 8gb usb flash and 50 bucks on a set of pool balls...

so money flew away lol... i guess this is what peoplemean by retail therapy...
See money is evil, the less you have the happier you are :p

then yesterday was spent with Ah joy Ah. We didn't do much, but for some reason it was so comfortable to just be with her while she's working. we're old friends but what was weird was that it wasn't weird to be just be with her and do... nothing... then taht night she coerced me into joining a charity seminar for the DSA(Down Syndrome Association of Singapore). where I learnt everything I already knew about myself. that I was sensitive, wishy washy and couldn't say no... etc etc story of my life, the living door mat lol.

so yeah it's been a good few days... hope to have more... but i'm out of cash :P

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Weighed Down

i don't really know what to blog about... just felt like I really needed to put something down...

I sent the journal on to Rachel... I realize, that I'm not completely depressedanymore,thereare the times during the day taht I am able to forget, and enjoy myself a little in the things I do. Yet, the feelings keep rushing back...

Right now my emotions are sad, dejected and lonely. i feel like as usual I'm crying out for help, but it's too subtle for people to understand or read it. i don't blame them, but it makes me even sadder that no one can understand me, can helpme, can save me...

I hate to cry,
then why do i do it so often nowadays?...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Being Back In Singapore

Isn't as wonderful as most people seem to think.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Update

on me I guess. It's been a while since I posted on the blog proper. I haven't been too good and seem to have completely lost interest in anything and everything. So that means, going bowling to appease my uncle, playing wii with my cousin, and losing to make him happy, and going outto eat with my relatives. It also means I have not really listened to any new music, haven't touched any musical instrument and haven't really been online for the past few weeks.

It's been a pretty bad year for me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to recover from it. I used to go out and do the things I liked, to relax and just be happy, but what do I do now that everything seems stale and boring? Or worse, feels like a reminder of what I never seem to be good enough for.

What's the point of being disciplined, skilled, or talented, when try as you might, you just can't get what you want. And your mind plays tricks on you, tempting you with it every day?

At Rachel's behest, I started writing a journal roughly 5 days ago. I was supposed to put an entry in it 4 times day, but with my schedule, and whims, it's significantly less structured than that. In it I wrote down my thoughts at the time, my ruminations, my hopes, and my dreams.

I'm seriously considering posting it up on this blog just for the shock factor, and have not decided yet either way. The decision of what to do with it ranges from sending it to Rachel who might analyse it and posting it on this blog, to selecting it and pressing the "delete" button fast and furious. Maybe even to printing it out and burning it and mixing the ashes in water for me to drink.

Am I really so subtle in real life that no one can read my true feelings even when I feel like I am telegraphing them? Am I really that good an actor? Do I really need to spell every single syllable, insinuation and sarcastic remark out? I'm a complex person, yet in many ways not that complex.

I just want to be understood. Is it really all that hard?

I think I need a shrink...

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Here i am

so here I am at my friend's place. i'd intended to help him pack up as he is supposed to go home the next day. instead he is sleeping in bed with xiao mei and i am left here watching a movie i'm not crazy about.

why do i like her so much, why do the small things she does always seem to hurt so much. she claims she is as close to me as she is to him, but it's clearly not true... i should be resigned to this... i've been dumped so many times in the past, but somehow this time it is different... it hurts so much... somedays I wish I were never born. I feel unloved and stupid...

Sigh

what do i do what do i do what do i do? I don't want to feel jealous anymore... sigh... some days i wish i were never born...