Dreams

Sometimes I wonder if everyone functions in a similiar way to myself. As long as I have been aware, I have three sets of dreams. The first two aren't as unusual as the last I feel.

The first is a forced dream. Where most nights I force myself into a dream (usually based on what I've last read) so that the activity of my mind decreases. I fall asleep faster that way.
The second one is a recurring nightmare normally. There are two, one where I'm running and I suddenly trip, falling in 'bullet time'. I wake just before I hit the ground. The second recurring nightmare is one where I find my cousin, which I used to be very close with, lying on railroad tracks. I run to save him but there's a train coming. Again it's in bullet time where I keep running but what I focus more on is the fact I am slowing down, while the train increases speed. I'd weirdly wake up from a still bed feeling motion sickness...

Ok the main event. The last type of dream that I am not sure everyone has experienced. It's a classification of dreams actually. I call those dreams my subconcious mind's eye. (I found that phrase in a book once.) Many a time, I have gone to bed with a problem plaguing me, yet waking up with the answer in my head. Literally overnight, I have found methods to play instruments I had only just started learning, new understanding and perspectives to solid problems(i.e math, physics etc), theoretical problems as well(mostly in the realm of Warhammer Heroes and AD&D), and even to private issues and internal turmoil.

Most recently I have been having hese kind of dreams. And I believe in some way or somehow, I have achieved a slight advancement of maturity. Certain 'events' have caused me to think and rethink them. Each time I wake up, something new comes to light. I realise I don't take the advice I so readily dish out. I'm not willing to be selfish sometimes, I don't rein in my anger easily, I'm trying to be a superman, in a world where people KILLEd superman, just for the publicity. I'm also chasing a dream that never had a chance to solidify, and a feeling like a drug addict.

Honestly, I don't want to be alone anymore. No matter what people say, to me losing your friends one by one, as opposed to losing almost all of them at once, hurts as badly.I lost friend one by one, simply because they weren't interested anymore, and lost them by the droves simply because I have had to change school. Each and everytime it hurts, and I can't get used to it. I have friends I share a lot with, but they find it hard to be there for me. Even my best friend feels half a world away sometimes. I now believe I was looking for a gf for the wrong reasons. For someone to share everything I am with. I've never found it yet, and I wake up mornings feeling like an automaton sometimes. Where I am alone and surviving each day through logical use of my time. There's no one I look forward to seeing each day.

Then again maybe I think too much, and that is my downfall. Most people love to be sheep. But somehow I can't force myself to be one. The carrot and the stick doesn't work with me.

Good Charlotte rocks!

"Waldorf Worldwide"

(You heard me)
Waldorf, Naptown, worldwide. What?

Come on, get up, get up, get up, come on
Yeah, break it break it break it down.
Tikki, tikki

Everything's gonna be alright now
Everything's gonna be alright
Get down stay up all night now
Let's do this one more time
Everything will be alright alright
Bring it in bring it in what? bring in..the verse..

Listen up 'cause there ain't nothin' funny,
I wanna hot girl and a little bit of money,
I wanna little house where my band can live,
'Cause we're tired of movin' every other weekend
I wanna go to parties where they got no guns,
I wanna rock with my band, I wanna have a little fun
Where thugs and punks and any other type,
Can sing this song and we'll sing it all night (sing it!)

Everything's gonna be alright now
Everything's gonna be alright
Get down stay up all night now
Let's do this one more time
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright alright

All I wanna do is kick the welfare, all I wanna do is get my share
All I wanna do is kick the welfare, all I wanna do is get my share
And I don't wanna run for the president,
I just want an honest way to pay my rent
And I'm tired of the man always shuttin' us down,
Tired of my old man 'cause he's never around
And I'm tired of eating off of other people's plates,
And I don't look important, so they're tellin' me to wait
Police records said they wouldn't exist,
I wanna know the meaning of a Christmas list
Said all I wanna do is kick the welfare,
All I wanna do is get my share, (tikki tikki tikki tikki)
All I wanna do is make somethin' from nothin',
It's GC baby and we're workin' with somethin',

Everything's gonna be alright now
Everything's gonna be alright
Get down stay up all night now
Let's do this one more time
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright alright

We'll be self-made millionaires,
These lives we'll lead without a care, oh yeah,
And we'll see what we'll be

Everything's gonna be alright now,
Everybody say oh yeah that's right,
Everything's gonna be alright now,
Everybody say it one more time,
Everything will be alright, alright... alright...
Alright... (We'll see you when we get there),
Alright... (We'll see you when we get there)
On the video,
Or the radio,
In the magazines,
On the movie screens

When I'm with you by Simple Plan

Taking my time
I'm trying to leave the memories of you behind
I'm gonna be fine
As soon as I get your picture right out of my mind

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to
But everytime I call you don't have time
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

For nothing at all, I know theres a million reasons
why I shouldn't call
With nothing to say, could easily make this
conversation last all day

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to
But everytime I call you don't have time
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

Another lesson I didn't get to learn
Your my obsession
I've got nowhere to turn

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to
But everytime I call you don't have time
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to
But everytime I call you don't have time




It's amazing how some songs just speak to you ... *shrug*
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

Dilemma

Recently a very new and confusing situation has occurred. I used to be deathly afraid that with my lousy 'A' level results, I wouldn't be able to finda university that would accept me. What I didn't expect was for all my applications for Canadian universities to succeed. I was casting the net wide in an attempt to increase my chances of netting a fish. Now I've come across a totally unexpected situation. i've netted too many fish, and don't know which one I want to keep.

The biggest and most difficult one? Like what happened when I went to ACS(I)? Where I was in a highly sought after school but only a slightly above average student? Or the small one, where by likely being one of the best I'd garner more opportunities and benefits? There's also the issue of location.

I've no idea what to choose... argh... And with my ORD coming, there's an impetus on me to move, and to move fast and decisively at that...

Hmm anyone have any suggestions? I mean people who visit regularly and are jus dropping by. The list is:

Wilfrid Laurier University (Honours in Business Administration) Waterloo, Ontario
University of British Colmubia (Bachelor of Arts) Coquitlam, Vancouver
University of British Colmubia (Saunder School of Business)Coquitlam, Vancouver
Simon Fraser University (Bachelor of Arts) Coquitlam, Vancouver
Simon Fraser University (Bachelor of Business Admin) Coquitlam, Vancouver

These are the main ones I'm considering right now... I know it's only three, but i'm rushing for time :P Will try to post the other unis soon... k gtg...

Sigh...

Ok just to inform ppl. I WILL NOT be free from the 23rd to 26th of January due to an AOE. Will be plenty miserable and sian while being in a jungle with mosquitoes as companions. As well as from the 6th to the 10th of February. Why? Oh because of the same exact thing happening. Whoopeedoo... Y me? Oh let me see... maybe cos i've the luck of a skunk. It stinks. Haiz... i foresee many more sian days/sleepless nights/lost tempers and last but not least... Days of mc... wheee.....

Fulfill

I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel fulfilled in life. How does one know what goals to set and achieve? Do you set one logically and reasonably within one's reach? Or do you set one on the moon, so if you miss, you hit the stars? As far as I can see there is no right answer, yet so many wrong ones. The questions of how to live my life pile up, even as I answer other people's questions on how they live their lives with impunity. It's weird having the answers to so many people's questions when I can't answer my own. Then again maybe it's not so weird. I'd even written a poem about it before, called, Irony of the world.

I think it's always easier to see the problems and situations other ppl are in, rather than those we ourselves are in. Instrospection doesn't always solve this dilemma. I've simply found no way to feel as though I have accomplished something great or appreciated. I just don't know what I'm looking for. Companionship? Respect? Understanding? Support? I just don't know, I've never quite found it. I was alone with very few friends for such a long time before, that I just kind of did things for me.

When I did badly in studies, my parents compared me to my cousin. Then when I did better than my cousin, they said don't compare. When another cousin played the piano beautifully and was praised for it, I started down a lonely path in self-tauught music. I still study music, but I just see more and more ppl criticising what I do, that it can get frustrating. Reading is another issue for me. Ppl used to say reading is good, plus for me, it was an escape from a world I had problems with. Now, everyone claims I am a bookworm when I've given up on reading. (I have just realised how disjointed my words are I'll try to be more comprehensible from now, lazy to retype the earlier words)

Basically, I am now a jack-of-all-trades. Mostly due to my experiences and personality. I am someone who can learn new lessons very fast. I almost always start out slow then mid-way through a lesson, the first lesson, jump the gun and put 2 and 2 together. I have passable english, though you might not be able to see it here, survivable mastery of mandarin and have done reasonably well for every subject I have ever taken. I have learnt so many things that others have not, and do better than some who practise such things on a daily basis. Yet, I am not satisfied. There's something more I seek, but I know not what it is.

The first attempt I made to rectify that lack, was through the church, and now, to me, God IS an important part of my life. He has made a niche where there was nothign before. Yet God has also made me realize something else. The hole inside of me was much bigger and much emptier than I had first guessed. He filled a substantial hole in me, but it wasn't enough. I threw music into the fold. I used my choir background to start learning instruments. I managed to learn the rudiments and some advanced playing of the piano, violin, drums and guitar. It still isn't enough. I threw myself into my work, working around my limitations, gaining respect from my men and colleagues alike. The rich JC boy who, though never learnt any form of engineering before, is now an equal to those who have done it all their lives. The boy who is the youngest in their midst, yet can do so many vocations with efficiency and yet be a friendly person. The boy who was thrown to be a mechanic, guard soldier, clerk, and performer all in one. Yet even their friendship and the work wasn't enough. I started on a road lead by money (for personal reasons). I gave tuition, bringing my two students from a C5 average to an A2 average. (a 60% average to an 80% average). I used ebay as a money platform. Using my innovation to garner even more money. Yet there was only some satisfaction in earning money.

The last and only thing I regret is asking someone to be my girlfriend. At first, it was a motion filled with honourable intentions, and honest emotions. Yet the more I thought about it the more it seemed selfishness on my part. I've altered a friendship I've held dear, and I don't know how to fix it. Also thinking back on all the things I've done, I've been a very selfish person. I've done some selfless things in my life, but I have to wonder now, if they were driven by selfish desire to be whole and complete. I realise my need to be whole and complete. But it should never have been at the expense of other people, or of making other people feel inferior. I'm not a good student, I'm not a good Christian, I'm not a good musician, I'm not a good teacher, or a good leader, or even a good friend. I stumble, I am blind, I sin, I blunder, I look but do not see, I seek but do not find, I destroy when I try to create. What are my accomplishments? I cannot think of any right now...

I've failed in every aspect that I am aware of. From being a good son, to being a faithful Christian to being a respected worker. I should just become introverted once more, as I was in ACS. Then there'd be no one to hurt, no one to harm, nothing to prove. I'd live just for myself again, but then I guess there'd be less to satisfy. A smaller vessel is more easily filled up. Ignorance is bliss... I AM stupid, and sometimes wish I were more so...

Sick again... Wah lau...

Haiz, I think I'm getting bad vibes from my camp or something... I've never been sick to frequently in my life. First it was my rashes outbreak, then it was my asthma (which I hadn't had for yrs and yrs), then I was injured in the line of duty, then I found out I have a pair of scarred retinas, going for an op that caused my eyes to hurt in hostile light conditions, then I had stomach flux for more than a month! And today I have conjunctivitis... It's getting kind of irritating, not that I'm not grateful for all the MCs, but... I've been wanting to work until I don't have time to myself to think. For private reasons. Yet I end up... with conjunctivitis..., haiz, anyone have a reason why I keep falling ill? Not enough exercise? Psychological damage? Or maybe I just don't know how to take care of myself... Haiz, whatever I guess, nothing I can do about it since I myself don't know anything abt it...

Who I am hates who I've been by Relient K

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific
And you might think I’m losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That’s exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can’t let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I’ve been
Cause who I’ve been only ever made me

http://boss.streamos.com/wmedia/capi001/relientk/whoiamhates
/audio/whoiamhates_a100.asx

Back from Vietnam

Yeah, I'm back. Spent a lot of money, had a few sleepless nights, thought some things through. I kind of boiled everything down to two questions. One about the past and one about the future... Cos now seems kinda set, nothing to question... I'm kind of better though. Looking forward more to migrating than ever in one aspect, in another, I kinda feel like a ghost. You know, the feeling of unfinished business...

Anyway, during the sleepless nights in a foreign land. There were no familiar distractions to cloud my mind. Ended up fishing out my Bible(carry it everywhere), and just reading and praying a little. I realise I wasn't quite fair to my friend, and that, I haven't been acting in a Christ-like way. More like someone who was thinking only about themselves. How would Christ handle the situation I was in? I have no idea... But I do know He would not hav handled it the way I have. Hm i foresee more self-study of the Bible in my future. Till next time, this is silverbird signing out.

Love?

This is not a usual post for me, but I just had to get some things off my chest. I realise there are many different types of love. Some bordering on lust and others platonic in nature. The love for a newborn puppy, affectionate love. The love for the game (whatever sport that might be). God's steadfast love. Just lovin' it (I don't mean McDonalds but it comes close). A parent's love for their child which is pure unconditional love. There is also one-sided love, which seems to create all kinds of problems (unrequited love can be particularly painful, feels like being stabbed in the heart with a rusty saw.)

In the past, I had believed that every different relationship had a set type of love. For example, the way a parent loves their child is normally unconditional, never just 'affectionate'. It is only recently that I discovered/feel, that there can unconditional love for another person, not blood related to you. Where the person may or may not like you, may even do things you don't like or simply do things you don't want them to do, yet you still support them and just want them to be happy.

It is a sad and true logic that love doesn't make the world go round, (neither does money) and sometimes being the best person is better than being the one that loves the most. Having said that, I believe love IS important, but not at the expense of everything else.

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Cor 13:4-7

Sometimes I wish I was like God, not for the power He has at His fingertips, but to understand the unconditional love and compassion He has. How powerful He must be, to have unrequited love a billion times over, yet never suffer for it, just continuing to love.

(I'll complete my song within the month, a love song for God if possible :) I'll try to stop acting weird in a few days time)

Stupidity is my Forte

Yupz, I've been stupid, and looks like once in a while i still have it as my forte. Haiz, someday i'm gonna look back at my own actions and just shake my head at them. Oh well, it's been an ok week. Many highs and lows in a matter of hours in between. Hmm, have a lot of great animes to watch and stone at home with, thanks to Damein. Initial D is great, though terribly unrealistic. But then again that's what makes animes fun to watch. I hope I never have to race my car tho. I'd firstly be left in the dust, and i would want to know the costs involved in keeping the tyres and suspensions maintained... Have no idea how a tofu shop owner can afford to keep an old racing car in tip top shape, and have enuff left over to buy a new racing engine as well as a new 4WD car haha... Sorry for the spoilers for those who haven't watched Initial D 4th Stage yet... Yeah I'm gonna go complete a birthday present for a friend now. So till next time, this is Shaun, whose stupidity is his forte. Adios

Resolution

Pop! and there goes courage to ask. Asked and rejected, beginning of the year. Great start. To those who don't know nvm. Too bad. Bye.