Dreams

Sometimes I wonder if everyone functions in a similiar way to myself. As long as I have been aware, I have three sets of dreams. The first two aren't as unusual as the last I feel.

The first is a forced dream. Where most nights I force myself into a dream (usually based on what I've last read) so that the activity of my mind decreases. I fall asleep faster that way.
The second one is a recurring nightmare normally. There are two, one where I'm running and I suddenly trip, falling in 'bullet time'. I wake just before I hit the ground. The second recurring nightmare is one where I find my cousin, which I used to be very close with, lying on railroad tracks. I run to save him but there's a train coming. Again it's in bullet time where I keep running but what I focus more on is the fact I am slowing down, while the train increases speed. I'd weirdly wake up from a still bed feeling motion sickness...

Ok the main event. The last type of dream that I am not sure everyone has experienced. It's a classification of dreams actually. I call those dreams my subconcious mind's eye. (I found that phrase in a book once.) Many a time, I have gone to bed with a problem plaguing me, yet waking up with the answer in my head. Literally overnight, I have found methods to play instruments I had only just started learning, new understanding and perspectives to solid problems(i.e math, physics etc), theoretical problems as well(mostly in the realm of Warhammer Heroes and AD&D), and even to private issues and internal turmoil.

Most recently I have been having hese kind of dreams. And I believe in some way or somehow, I have achieved a slight advancement of maturity. Certain 'events' have caused me to think and rethink them. Each time I wake up, something new comes to light. I realise I don't take the advice I so readily dish out. I'm not willing to be selfish sometimes, I don't rein in my anger easily, I'm trying to be a superman, in a world where people KILLEd superman, just for the publicity. I'm also chasing a dream that never had a chance to solidify, and a feeling like a drug addict.

Honestly, I don't want to be alone anymore. No matter what people say, to me losing your friends one by one, as opposed to losing almost all of them at once, hurts as badly.I lost friend one by one, simply because they weren't interested anymore, and lost them by the droves simply because I have had to change school. Each and everytime it hurts, and I can't get used to it. I have friends I share a lot with, but they find it hard to be there for me. Even my best friend feels half a world away sometimes. I now believe I was looking for a gf for the wrong reasons. For someone to share everything I am with. I've never found it yet, and I wake up mornings feeling like an automaton sometimes. Where I am alone and surviving each day through logical use of my time. There's no one I look forward to seeing each day.

Then again maybe I think too much, and that is my downfall. Most people love to be sheep. But somehow I can't force myself to be one. The carrot and the stick doesn't work with me.