Fulfill

I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel fulfilled in life. How does one know what goals to set and achieve? Do you set one logically and reasonably within one's reach? Or do you set one on the moon, so if you miss, you hit the stars? As far as I can see there is no right answer, yet so many wrong ones. The questions of how to live my life pile up, even as I answer other people's questions on how they live their lives with impunity. It's weird having the answers to so many people's questions when I can't answer my own. Then again maybe it's not so weird. I'd even written a poem about it before, called, Irony of the world.

I think it's always easier to see the problems and situations other ppl are in, rather than those we ourselves are in. Instrospection doesn't always solve this dilemma. I've simply found no way to feel as though I have accomplished something great or appreciated. I just don't know what I'm looking for. Companionship? Respect? Understanding? Support? I just don't know, I've never quite found it. I was alone with very few friends for such a long time before, that I just kind of did things for me.

When I did badly in studies, my parents compared me to my cousin. Then when I did better than my cousin, they said don't compare. When another cousin played the piano beautifully and was praised for it, I started down a lonely path in self-tauught music. I still study music, but I just see more and more ppl criticising what I do, that it can get frustrating. Reading is another issue for me. Ppl used to say reading is good, plus for me, it was an escape from a world I had problems with. Now, everyone claims I am a bookworm when I've given up on reading. (I have just realised how disjointed my words are I'll try to be more comprehensible from now, lazy to retype the earlier words)

Basically, I am now a jack-of-all-trades. Mostly due to my experiences and personality. I am someone who can learn new lessons very fast. I almost always start out slow then mid-way through a lesson, the first lesson, jump the gun and put 2 and 2 together. I have passable english, though you might not be able to see it here, survivable mastery of mandarin and have done reasonably well for every subject I have ever taken. I have learnt so many things that others have not, and do better than some who practise such things on a daily basis. Yet, I am not satisfied. There's something more I seek, but I know not what it is.

The first attempt I made to rectify that lack, was through the church, and now, to me, God IS an important part of my life. He has made a niche where there was nothign before. Yet God has also made me realize something else. The hole inside of me was much bigger and much emptier than I had first guessed. He filled a substantial hole in me, but it wasn't enough. I threw music into the fold. I used my choir background to start learning instruments. I managed to learn the rudiments and some advanced playing of the piano, violin, drums and guitar. It still isn't enough. I threw myself into my work, working around my limitations, gaining respect from my men and colleagues alike. The rich JC boy who, though never learnt any form of engineering before, is now an equal to those who have done it all their lives. The boy who is the youngest in their midst, yet can do so many vocations with efficiency and yet be a friendly person. The boy who was thrown to be a mechanic, guard soldier, clerk, and performer all in one. Yet even their friendship and the work wasn't enough. I started on a road lead by money (for personal reasons). I gave tuition, bringing my two students from a C5 average to an A2 average. (a 60% average to an 80% average). I used ebay as a money platform. Using my innovation to garner even more money. Yet there was only some satisfaction in earning money.

The last and only thing I regret is asking someone to be my girlfriend. At first, it was a motion filled with honourable intentions, and honest emotions. Yet the more I thought about it the more it seemed selfishness on my part. I've altered a friendship I've held dear, and I don't know how to fix it. Also thinking back on all the things I've done, I've been a very selfish person. I've done some selfless things in my life, but I have to wonder now, if they were driven by selfish desire to be whole and complete. I realise my need to be whole and complete. But it should never have been at the expense of other people, or of making other people feel inferior. I'm not a good student, I'm not a good Christian, I'm not a good musician, I'm not a good teacher, or a good leader, or even a good friend. I stumble, I am blind, I sin, I blunder, I look but do not see, I seek but do not find, I destroy when I try to create. What are my accomplishments? I cannot think of any right now...

I've failed in every aspect that I am aware of. From being a good son, to being a faithful Christian to being a respected worker. I should just become introverted once more, as I was in ACS. Then there'd be no one to hurt, no one to harm, nothing to prove. I'd live just for myself again, but then I guess there'd be less to satisfy. A smaller vessel is more easily filled up. Ignorance is bliss... I AM stupid, and sometimes wish I were more so...