Update

on me I guess. It's been a while since I posted on the blog proper. I haven't been too good and seem to have completely lost interest in anything and everything. So that means, going bowling to appease my uncle, playing wii with my cousin, and losing to make him happy, and going outto eat with my relatives. It also means I have not really listened to any new music, haven't touched any musical instrument and haven't really been online for the past few weeks.

It's been a pretty bad year for me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to recover from it. I used to go out and do the things I liked, to relax and just be happy, but what do I do now that everything seems stale and boring? Or worse, feels like a reminder of what I never seem to be good enough for.

What's the point of being disciplined, skilled, or talented, when try as you might, you just can't get what you want. And your mind plays tricks on you, tempting you with it every day?

At Rachel's behest, I started writing a journal roughly 5 days ago. I was supposed to put an entry in it 4 times day, but with my schedule, and whims, it's significantly less structured than that. In it I wrote down my thoughts at the time, my ruminations, my hopes, and my dreams.

I'm seriously considering posting it up on this blog just for the shock factor, and have not decided yet either way. The decision of what to do with it ranges from sending it to Rachel who might analyse it and posting it on this blog, to selecting it and pressing the "delete" button fast and furious. Maybe even to printing it out and burning it and mixing the ashes in water for me to drink.

Am I really so subtle in real life that no one can read my true feelings even when I feel like I am telegraphing them? Am I really that good an actor? Do I really need to spell every single syllable, insinuation and sarcastic remark out? I'm a complex person, yet in many ways not that complex.

I just want to be understood. Is it really all that hard?

I think I need a shrink...