Sick

I've been rather ill for the past one month or so. I believe it might be psychological in nature. Just really tired of a lot of things, and I managed to jus hide it better before. It's so hard being a nice guy, especially when life gives you shit. I'm so tempted sometimes to just be like I was in Maris Stella, to be the gangster ruled by emotion and force. Sigh, people tell me to take pride in who I am. Who I am? I am not sure I even know. Is it the person you see everyday? The person I believe myself to be? Or the person I am when I'm tired enough to drop my defenses? When I drop my defenses I'm at my best and my worst at the same time. I've seen myself when I am exhausted. I become very good at physical skill. When I'm tired I lose reason and restraints on myself, best example would be when I played ball with my best friend once. Managed to shoot 7 3-pointers in a game of race to 50. Yet I also lose my temper easily. I ven get a kick out of losing my temper. When I am normal, I close what I used to be. Well, all I can say now, is, as sick as I am, I don't know if i should bother using my energy in control, or in just living life. I'm tired of being a good helpful Christian all the time. Tired of being someone who is always there yet no one notices except when needed. Tired of having what I say fly past peoples heads until they feel they need it. Tired of army, of studying, of computer games, ball games, books, of being a floor mat, a fat guy, a name on a screen, a chauffeur, of just being a fly on the wall. Where has the boy I used to be gone? The one who played soccer regularly, studied little cos everything was just so simple, the one who at 8 years old, thought about death while in the toilet, deciding to leave a mark on earth, not be an anonymous tomb, the one who was thin, cute, musical, brilliant, ambitious and energetic? He grew up? I think he disappeared somewhere... And I'm someone very differrent who shines very much less.