My blog got me thinking

Looking at the sheer length of my archives put my mind awandering. Browsing through my own blog, I can finally view myself objectively through my musings, as I would other people. I have grown a bit, and in some ways haven't changed at all. I am still the guy who is simply a friend to everyone, and in a sense, woefully unable to be boyfriend material. I am still the guy struggling to form my own identity. I am still the guy trying to forget the bad things.

I have changed in surprising ways though.

I am still just a friend to everyone, but I have sort of accepted that. I will likely never be the life of the party, the attractive person people gush about, the charismatic person everyone wants to know. But, I am the person who will in the quiet place, when someone feels lonely or inadequate, be there, to talk, or more importantly to listen. I know I am calming because I don't force people to become who I see them as, but realise them as who there are, and how I know they can further their potential. I am still the guy trying to find my his own identity, but instead of flailing about aimlessly, I planned a route, an experiment with my life, and asked God to lead the way. I don't try to forget bad things anymore, because I have a new perspective in life, every obstacle I have overcome is a badge of honor, of proof that God's faith in me was not wrong. I also sadly realize almost all the couples I wished well in the first few entries of my blog are no longer couples...(don't take this the wrong way, I am not gloating or anything, I just wish there was more to a relationship sometimes)

To those who didn't know, my oldest blog (this is my second blog) is on deviantart, my username was zero01 or zeroxion I can't remember which.

I'm currently looking at an entry I had on June 2nd 2004 and just realized how much of a foreshadowing they turned out to be. Pretty funny in a way I guess, that's how things start, with the small things you don't even notice yourself thinking. Then again, God is in the details, and small things add up.

Silversword and To kill a mockingbird, my two favourite books when I was younger. Not only because they were my literature texts, but because they both touched on the human condition.

I believe that two keys things have hampered the human potential for greatness. Namely, Violence and Fear. They feed and lead on to each other, creating a cycle that is simple, yet simply there. Sometimes I envision a snake eating it's own tail, (no not the great ring for Aes Sedai in Wheel of time Robert Jordan fans), when I think of those two. There are so many things to be fearful for/about. Other people's perception of you, losing something/someone precious, even of just the unknown. Also, many people mistake violence for courage in the face of fear. People fight because they think someone is trying to intimidate them, people fight because they think it makes them look brave, people fight because they are afraid.

But fear is not faced down with violence. Violence is also not courage. Courage is being afraid, yet acknowledging that fear, and doing what is right. Violence simply shunts away fear, not dealing with it, using violence over and over again to avoid it. Courage is seeing the bear, and drawing it's attention so your friend can run away, courage is being afraid for your own life, yet safeguarding another's.

Then like in Socrates' APOLOGY, I know myself I am not wise, nor courageous, but I seek knowledge, and do not claim to know all things or even be knowledgeable, I do know one thing for certain.

I am older, in my thoughts I have grown, and I still have far to go.