Sigh...

I dunno what is wrong with me... I miss my classmates, yet, it takes me 2 hrs to decide whether or not i should go for what i had thot was a class gathering... I dun understand myself, maybe i have some nagging sixth sense that warns me off... Onli never to be heeded by my personality. I went, found out it was actually my fren's birthday, and that onli 2 classmates went. It was rather sad actually, a VJC guy, an 'A' level high scorer, who manages to get into the Airforce. A laudable high achiever, and the only people who bother to come are, 4 Army frens, 3 Classmates, 6 Bandmates, and 7 relatives... The food and chairs laid out clearly shows he expected/invited approx 30~40 people... If no one else feels bad, i feel bad for him.

Kinda reminded me of my birthday... At home with a broken foot with onli my family, friends mostly busy studying for prelims and 'A' levels... Well, it wasn't a really bad experience, had people like Aunt and jie and my best friend messaging me most of the night, and i really love my parents and sis... But, I will always remember that night as one, where i felt acutely that i was missing something in my life. And it also pulls me to wonder, is there something wrong with me? Why can i do so much yet achieve so little? Why do I feel full yet empty at the same time? Is it me that is in the wrong?

Forgive me if my thoughts seem disjointed but this has always been the way my thoughts flow, not seamlessly, but all in a complex web that somehow connects when it shouldn't. I mean, i can play more instruments than most people, yet, i can't seem to get past a certain level. I can hear, and feel it in my soul, but i simply can't produce it. It was the same thing with Art classes, the basics i learnt with a 'snap' of my fingers, the shadows and the subtleties, i fail miserably, even when i can see the image clearly in my mind's eye.

Is it because i'm shallow? or stupid? Only able to grasp the basic due to my unusual experiences in life? Yet never able to obtain the beautiful complexities of the world? Why am I the jack of all trades, yet with all my heart and soul, unable to be the master of 1? With each thot, searching for an answer... I turn up more and more questions... Who am i? I have never leant towards the arts or sciences, because to me they are both of equal beauty and importance. Art is the key to human civilty and altruism, science the key to humanity's logic and reasoning processes. They are both that make a person human, and both are not mutually exclusive. But here is another problem, nature in meshing everything together also causes them to split apart... Nature hates a vacuum, yet there is space. Nature adores symmetry, yet careful observation yields asymmetry in everything. Nature adores evolution, the process of logic, where one thing changes to become better, yet chaos theory also works, a butterfly in Texas causes a hurricane in Japan. So does my mind try to find order in my life, and yet altough i control my actions, i'm hit by impulses every so often.

What am i doin? I don't even know... Do i even want a girlfriend? Or a throphy I can show my friends? Am i even worthy of such? The more I think of it the more I am apalled by the comparisons i make. gir;s are meant to be cherished, yet i find myself coldly calculating their looks and their personalities and ages... I don't know what i'm doin anymore, i don't know what i want and i don't know if i'm doin the right thing. I feel like a person who stops looks around and sees a crossroads from hell, paths leading away in every direction 360 degrees. I don't even know who to turn to. Haha, I post this here so that people will knwo i'm slowly goin mad. My best friend, who i used to teach maths, chinese chess moves, and ways of thinking to improve memory... Now leaves me behind, achieving Best student at his JC, achieving so much which i can't, and i KNOW i'm jealous. I should be happy for him, and i am, but, the snake worms in my heart. My friends who i chat with regularly on the net... Almost every single one of them has scored better than me, and i've been jealous and envious of every single one of them. I'm only human.

So what if i can grasp concepts faster than almost everyone i noe? So what if i can learn physical components like games and instruments faster than almost everyone i noe? So what? So what if i can read c++ by teaching myself? So what if i know topics of interest and knowledge from almost every topic on earth? So what? so what? There will always be someone who can do it better than me.

I used to want to be the best in at least one subject, then i settled for being above average, now.... I can't even do tt, i'm so stupid i can't even kep up with my peers. I've lost a lot of self respect over these 6 yrs... And i can't find a way to get it back... I'm almost 19 and i can't even get past 2nd base with a girl... And i think it's all my fault..., jus dunno what i'm doin wrong... sigh...

Honestly, if u read this and u think u know what's wrong with me, jus tell me str8to my face, i want to change bt i don't know how... pls... thx i guess...